As one grows older, there comes a moment where one suddenly realizes that the number of friends is decreasing. The KakaoTalk group chat becomes quiet, weekend plans dwindle, and sometimes you find yourself thinking, “Why do I have so few friends?”
However, this is not a personal issue. Studies show that after the age of 30, the average number of friends decreases by half every decade. Interestingly, the fewer friends one has, the happier and more successful they tend to be.
Why do we have fewer friends as we age? And do we really need many friends to be happy? To resolve anxieties about relationships, let’s examine the solutions presented by Stoic philosophy.
The change in friendships is a natural phenomenon.
In our 20s, maintaining a wide network of diverse people is important. Meeting new people and expanding relationships through university, work, and clubs is considered natural.
However, after the age of 30, life priorities change. Work, family, and economic stability become significant values, and deep, meaningful relationships become more important than broad, shallow ones.
This change is natural. It’s not that the number of relationships is decreasing, rather the quality of relationships is changing. Indeed, studies have indicated that focusing on deep and trustworthy relationships leads to higher life satisfaction after the age of 30.
Stoic philosophy explains the essence of human relationships.
Though it began over two thousand years ago in ancient Greece and Rome, Stoic philosophy still offers valid values in modern society. It focuses on cultivating inner strength to escape all anxieties and worries of life.
Aurelius said, “Retreat within yourself; the rational mind finds peace when satisfied.” It implies that the relationship with oneself is the ultimate factor that determines happiness, rather than the number of friends.
So, what is the Stoic rationale for why it’s okay to have fewer friends?
Three solutions to human relationships from Stoic philosophy:
1. Independence of the self – “Care only about what you can control”
Epictetus, a Stoic philosopher, emphasized, “What we can control are only our attitudes and choices.” This applies to friendships as well. We cannot control the number or actions of friends, but we can control our reactions and attitudes.
Rather than feeling anxious about changes in relationships, it is essential to cultivate inner tranquility. The decrease in the number of friends does not make one lacking. Maintaining deeper relationships and creating one’s own life is more meaningful.
2. Inner growth – “Lonely times make me stronger”
As we age, activities that enrich one’s inner self become more valuable than receiving many ‘likes’ on social media. Reading books, discovering new hobbies, and reflecting on oneself in quiet times are elements that enhance the quality of life.
One of the core principles of Stoic philosophy is ‘self-reflection.’ Aurelius said, “Exploring within oneself leads to true wisdom.”
Instead of being anxious about being alone, it is more valuable to use that time to strengthen inner power and practice self-development.
3. Quality relationships – “A few deep friendships are more important than many shallow ones”
Seneca, a Stoic philosopher, said, “True friends are like one soul in two bodies.” Rather than increasing the number of friends, it is far more important to maintain relationships that can be truly trusted.
As we age, maintaining a few deep relationships is much more valuable than numerous superficial ones. Forming relationships that can share trust and empathy, rather than just managing simple connections, is the essence of mature human relationships.
Applying Stoic philosophy to life:
1. Distinguish what cannot be controlled.
Aurelius said, “Do not concern yourself with things you cannot control.” Friendships also fall into an area that we cannot fully control. Focus on our attitudes and reactions, and reduce unnecessary emotional expenditure.
2. Focus on the present.
Instead of longing for past relationships or worrying about future loneliness, one should live in the present moment. Cherishing the current relationships and building new experiences is the best approach.
3. Have a time of self-reflection.
Every evening, take a moment to reflect on the day. Ponder what you were most thankful for today and how you can improve further. This enriches life even more.
Conclusion: The relationship with ‘yourself’ is more important than with friends.
As we age, it is naturally experienced that the number of friends decreases. However, having fewer friends does not equate to unhappiness.
Genuine happiness stems from the relationship with oneself rather than the number of friends. Only those who can enrich their own lives can truly realize the value of relationships. Rather than feeling anxious about changes in relationships, it is more important to cultivate inner strength and decide the direction of life independently.
Stoic philosophy teaches the wisdom to embrace these life changes naturally. The decrease of friends does not signify social failure but rather the process of creating deeper, more meaningful relationships. As we age, what is crucial is not external relationships but inner tranquility and self-growth.
Rather than focusing on things we cannot control, we must concentrate on self-growth. Profound relationships do not form automatically; they are created when people with strong inner selves meet. Ultimately, the most important friend is oneself.